


Makes You Who You Are (This Pain)

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cannon compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post 8x01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:15:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27635311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: “You really think that you’ll stand by me once your job, your life is threatened too?”Adam blinked, looking stunned. No, hurt. He looked hurt. Kevin resented him for that, too, then hated himself for thinking it.“You know I will,” Adam said softly, voice strained.
Relationships: Kevin Atwater/Adam Ruzek, ruzwater - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	Makes You Who You Are (This Pain)

**Author's Note:**

> Set post 8x01  
> Title from This Is Not Forever by Kate Miller-Heidke
> 
> https://hennwilson.tumblr.com/post/635252783709372416/makes-you-who-you-are-this-pain

Kevin stopped in the entryway, pocketing his keys instead of setting them down. It didn’t feel safe to just set them down anymore.

He stood there, just breathing, pushing through the pain that came with each inhale and each exhale.

“Kev?” Adam called out before coming into view.

Lit from behind, face obscured by darkness, he could have been anyone, another cop ready to take him down, one of the ones from outside hanging around for more. He knew it wasn’t, he knew it was Adam standing before him, and as his eyes adjusted, he could see the furrow of Adam’s brow, the concern slowly taking over his features. Still, his heart hammered in his chest.

“Kev?” He repeated, taking a step forward, and Kevin didn’t mean to, but he couldn’t help but take a step backwards, back hitting the wall, hand raised in front of him. “What happened?”

He shook his head, lowering his gaze, taking another deep, painful, measured breath. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing,” Adam bit back, and to hell with sensitivity and keeping his distance; Adam was directly in front of him in an instant, fingers ghosting across the bruises forming on Kevin’s face, across his split lip that was steadily dripping blood down his chin, down his shirt, onto the floor.

Kevin stared at the spot of blood that had just landed on the hardwood floor, not wanting to meet Adam’s eyes. He didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to deal with Adam’s concern or the anger that would surely follow. He had his own anger brewing, boiling beneath his skin, bubbling up to the surface. He didn’t have the patience for Adam’s anger, too. He felt like he might explode.

“It’s fine,” he said evenly, even though it was so far from fine he could feel his chest tightening, lump forming at the base of his throat.

“Who did this?”

There was that anger, and Kev let out a low, dark chuckle, wincing at the pain in his ribs. He couldn’t do this.

The second Adam’s phone was in his hands, Kevin’s hand shot out, gripping his wrist so tight it likely hurt. “What are you doing.”

“Calling Voight.”

“No.”

“Kev, we have to report this.”

“No,” Kevin warned, voice taking on a dangerous, almost threatening tone.

“Wh—“

“It was cops that did this, Adam.” His anger was seeping through his words, but he realised there was fear there, too, the combination making his voice shake just a little. Too much for his liking.

He saw the moment of realisation and the switch that came with it as a darkness took over Adam’s features. He saw the sharp inhale, the fire in his eyes, and he knew Adam was seething before he pulled his hand out of Kevin’s grip. That passion, that fire, the way Adam often wore his heart on his sleeve no matter how hard he tried to conceal it; those were some of the many reasons Kevin loved him. Right now, it was too much.

“We have to call Voight,” Adam insisted, hands shaking as he punched in Voight’s number.

“No.”

That single word came out so pained and so desperate that it barely sounded like him. Adam hung up immediately, blinking at Kevin, like he wasn’t sure how to react.

Tears burned behind Kevin’s eyes, threatening to break loose, to fall, to have him come undone, and he clenched his fists by his side, working his jaw as he tried to fight the feeling down. It was one thing to be vulnerable to attack, but another thing entirely to be vulnerable  _ because _ of an attack.

“Okay,” Adam said softly, demeanor changing as he pocketed his phone. “Okay, I won’t call anyone.”

Kevin swallowed hard, not meeting Adam’s eye as he nodded firmly.

Adam reached out to touch, but Kevin withdrew sharply. He wanted to leave, wanted to get out of there, but he had nowhere to run. Nowhere was safe.

“You’re safe with me,” Adam whispered, as though he could read Kevin’s mind.

He looked hurt, and guilt sat hot and heavy at the base of Kevin’s stomach along with everything else he was feeling. It wasn’t fair to take it out on Adam—he knew that—but Adam represented everything he hated about police. Adam was a white cop from a family of cops. He was built by the system, for the system, and the system was built for him in turn. There was no difference between him and the cops that were out to get him.

Except he knew that wasn’t entirely true. He knew that despite his upbringing and despite the system he worked for—that they both worked for, he reminded himself—Adam was always willing to change, to adapt, to learn, especially from him. He knew it wasn’t fair to resent Adam for things out of his control. He  _ knew _ that.

Knowing didn’t make it any easier.

“Am I?” He eventually asked, finally meeting Adam’s eyes, back straight, jaw jutted out in defiance, though of what, he wasn’t sure. “You really think that you’ll stand by me once your job, your  _ life _ is threatened too?”

Adam blinked, looking stunned. No, hurt. He looked  _ hurt _ . Kevin resented him for that, too, then hated himself for thinking it.

“You know I will,” Adam said softly, voice strained.

Kevin huffed out a humourless laugh, deflating instantly. 

They made a sorry pair, both biting back tears, both fighting the same fight. 

He realised suddenly how tired he felt. He was tired of fighting, tired of constantly looking over his shoulder, tired of waiting for the moment his own team would turn their backs on him. He was tired of waiting for the moment the person he loved most in this world would walk out that door and not look back because he could never truly understand why Kevin did what he did, why he stood his ground even while the lives of the people around him were at stake. He was tired of waiting for something that, despite what Adam said, felt inevitable.

He let out a shaky breath, dropping his head, but Adam closed the distance between them, catching him under the chin gently. He swiped his thumb across the blood steadily drying on Kevin’s chin, eyes shining with unshed tears.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, pressing their foreheads together.

“What for?” Kevin asked through a startled laugh, relaxing just a little as Adam’s hands settled on his shoulders.

“For ever giving you any reason to doubt me. Kev, you’re the one person in this world I can’t live without. The rest of the world can go to hell, for all I care. I’m with you, no matter what happens, no matter who comes for you, even if it costs me my job.”

“Ad…”

“Even if it costs me my  _ life _ ,” he added, pulling back to look Kev in the eye again.

He looked fierce and determined, angry and soft at the same time, and Kev felt a little of his own anger dissipate.

He nodded, swallowing past the lump in his throat. He hadn’t known just how badly he needed to hear that until the words were out of Adam’s mouth.

“I love you,” Adam whispered. “And you- you don’t have to say it back, I just need you to know—“

“I love you, too,” Kevin cut him off, and he pressed their lips together before Adam could get another word in, guilt churning in his stomach once again, because no matter how much he loved Adam, and no matter how much Adam loved him, none of that could change the situation he was in or the resentment he felt towards the system and the people who profited from it.

People like the man he loved, which felt like too much of a contradiction for him to try and explain, even to himself, so he let himself melt into Adam’s arms instead, pushing it to the back of his mind.

For now.


End file.
